PRIVILEGE PLC

(This article was inspired by the UK government's love of creating a private market for everything even if, as in the case of healthcare, it would seem to be an artificial model. Like trying to pass a cat off as a dog. It is not a criticism of the Royal Family as such - the inbred idiots are quite capable of doing that for themselves. I suppose its also a bit of a dig at the proliferation of pointless technologies that are currently being wafted around - "permanently watch Paris Hilton on my mobiel so I don't miss a thing" - just fuck off.)

An article by James Murray

As mantras go "Privatisation, Privatisation, Privatisation" doesn't really cut the mustard. Nevertheless, since the late 1980's it has certainly been the buzzword within UK politics, a buzzword that has seen many of our institutions, rightly or wrongly, given over to private corporations to be run more efficiently.

Three months ago today it was the turn of the Royal Family to be thrown to the capitalist vultures. According to most they were a dying corpse waiting to be picked to pieces by the ravages of the private market; mere sailors drowning in the Neptunian choppy seas of big business. Yet in reality, how have they coped?

Wild predictions predicting the instantaneous downfall of the House of Windsor have proved to be highly fallacious. As they may say themselves, they've done rather well indeed. Never a family to bypass tradition, the Windsors have grasped the, as yet, meagre traditions of privatisation and clung to them like a determined lobster. Their immediate reaction was to choose a funky new name. Close advisors to the Queen are believed to have advised her that the brand "Royal Family" had become stale and outdated. There were also copyright issues to be thought of – there are after all several other Royal Families throughout the world. Their new name, ‘Privilege’, is thought to be the brainchild of Prince Edward (now known as the Prince Formerly Known As Edward) the Royal Families new director of Marketing.

Along with Prince Phillip, (now known as Phillip McWindsor, an attempt to woo his Scottish following as the former Duke of Edinburgh) the Prince Formerly Known As Edward has been at the forefront of re-branding Privilege; a task which he has apparently taken on with gusto. "A fabulous opportunity to make the Royal Family as popular and relevant to today's society as Take That and the Spice Girls," he announced at the unveiling of the new name. Prince Phillip, the new Director of International PR, has been working tirelessly to transport this new image abroad.

"I have encountered some opposition in the countries our good friend Livingstone found. They don't seem to grasp the idea of re-branding and seemed quite confused when I told the chaps there that I was now to be called Phil McWindsor rather than Your Royal Highness. Very amusing to see such bemused faces and so many bright white smiles... I thought. And as for the Greeks!"

Not all members of the Royal Family have taken to their new roles so enthusiastically. Prince Charles, once previously guaranteed a shot at the top spot, is said to be fuming at the prospect of facing competition for a job he considers his own. A source close to the Queen said that she is now considering applications to be the new Queen and that it is by no means a foregone conclusion that Charles will become the new Queen once she retires to become a silent partner. He is also said to be furious at suggestions that he should now be known as Bonnie Prince Charlie simply stating that this was "Bloody demeaning”. Other contenders for the top job include Richard Branson, Tony Blair (in his autobiography he states that it has been a lifelong ambition for him to become Queen), the surviving members of the Rock Band Queen and there are rumours that a job share proposal has been submitted from the Beckham estate.

The economic impact of Royal Privatisation has been unusual to say the least. Privilege has been set up as a Ltd company as the Queen is apparently unwilling to lose control of the business. However, modernisers such as the Prince Formerly Known As Edward and Prince Andrew (now to be known as Andy Pandy as Privilege's Executive In Charge Of The Youth Vote), are said to be keen to float the Royal Family on the stock exchange. This is a prospect that has city investors twiddling their thumbs with barely concealed excitement. Financial "gentle giant" Alan Sugar recently released a press statement expressing his interest in acquiring Privilege stating that the firm would make an interesting sister company to his main interest Amstrad and that "(he) would love to see Wills and Harry peddling his cheap tat".

However, the greatest threat to the security and success of Privilege comes not from within, but from new-found competition. Under European Competition Law it is now possible for anyone in England to set up their own Royal Family. In fact this is being positively encouraged by Blair's Government. In a recent Prime Minister's Question Time Blair said that "(he wanted) every child in England to have access to their own local Royal Family. For too long having a local Royal Family has been the preserve of those children living in West London or certain remote parts of Scotland. In the name of devolution it is important that every village, every town, every suburb has their own Royal Family so no child misses out." He promptly pledged a fifth of Gordon Brown's budget to achieving this and in the upcoming election it will be New Labour's primary manifesto promise.

George Williams of Newby on Ashe in Sussex was one of the first people in England to start his own Royal Family. Described by locals both as an entrepreneur with an eye for a business opportunity and a conniving pain in the arse, Mr Williams has been a successful businessman in the area for nearly thirty years. I was fortunate enough to interview him:

JM: What made you decide to set up your own Royal Family?

GW: Well, it seemed as if the old Royal Family seemed to have a good old time, it was easy money to be honest.

JM: So what have you called your Royal Family?

GW: The Royal Family, you know the name was just waiting there to be used – it seemed a waste really (laughs).

JM: And what is your role in the firm?

GW: Well obviously, I am Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth the Third.

JM: I see, and how does the business work?

GW: Well essentially the local people pay for my food, clothing, holidays and shelter and in return I ride up and down the street twice a week on a horse wearing a robe.

JM: Do people come out to watch you?

GW: Oh yes… but I think most people come for the free plastic flags I hand out.

Although I felt that Mr Williams had slightly missed the Government's point he was indeed running a thriving business and he is now only two hundred pounds away from affording his first throne – a vital asset for any Royal Family business.

This rosy picture, is, unfortunately, not typical for the whole of the country. Many communities have lodged complaints against their localised royal families with the new industry regulator, OFF-TOFF. It seems that many local Royal Families are simply not offering value for money. Mike Nobalding, the Ombudsman for OFF-TOFF, explains:

"Consumers have become used to a high level of entertainment from our old nationalised Royal Family. Divorce, death and scandal always lurked round the regal corner. What many people did not realise when approving the privatisation of the monarchy is that the existing monarchy actually provided very good value for money. It was a case of simple economics – as the monarchy lost power in relation to government it naturally sought out other ways of justifying its existence to a modern audience. Charles I, of course will always be known as the Godfather of "Roytainment" after commandeering his own death. People soon realised that a country without a Royal Family, as proposed by Cromwell, was a very dry place and soon returned to a more familiar state. King George III was an extremely entertaining madman with impeccable comic timing and Victoria was everyone's favourite straight-woman. The current Royal Family were perhaps the most sophisticated arbiters of "Roytainment" and set a very high standard. Unfortunately for new Royal Families, governed by the laws of business, providing such high standards of entertainment is simply not cost effective. They are limited as to how much scandal they can dole out."

I asked Mike Nobalding to give me an example of the sort of complaint that OFF-TOFF received:

"Well… for instance the Royal Family set up in Ellesmere Port, Cheshire have been in operation for six months now. People have paid them money in good faith but they haven't even left their house. There hasn't been so much as an illicit game of golf and the eldest son just received three A grades at A level with absolutely no assistance from his teachers. This is just not acceptable."
If local Royal Families are successful it is thought that Big Business will soon tread in their footsteps'. National energy behemoth, the National Grid, recently announced that it was drawing up plans to offer its own Royal Network service. Ian Lightbolt, CEO of Powergen, was ever so keen to explain this idea:

"The National Grid will set up a national network of Royal Families all linked up by big pipes through which information is carried in the form of blood infused with blue food colouring. Then a plethora of 'middlemen' companies, Dukes or Duchesses if you like, will be able to sell their service nationally. The consumer will be the only winner as Royal Families will no longer be localised and competition will rise –resulting in greater customer benefits for all. A man in Bournemouth could get his Royal Services from a Royal Family in Scotland… the possibilities are endless!"

Endless, maybe, perhaps eternal also – but how did Powergen fit into the picture.

"Well you see… this is where things get even more exciting for the consumer.”

Note; the reporter arches an eyebrow.

"Powergen are looking to offer people the opportunity to buy not just their gas and electricity from us but also their Royal Needs. We feel that only a large faceless company will be able to deliver the high-octane thrills and spills that the modern day royalist thrives on - unlike, small businesses who simply do not have a high enough cash flow."

However, plans to deliver Royal Services via blue blood sent through pipes have been criticised by many as it is estimated that it would take upwards of five years to dig up the roads and pavements in order to install the lines. Even then only seventy percent of the country would receive an adequate service. Mobile phone operators have dismissed the Blueblood method as primitive and instead want to champion their Third-In-Line-To-The-Throne Generation Royal Handsets which will deliver mobile Royal Services to the consumer who likes to be on the move. Hand Sett, Technical Director of Finnish Phone Company NOKIA explained how this mobile system would work:

"First we erect 20 foot metal poles all over the country, about one every square mile and then the information is sent from our virtual castle in which we have a 24hour Royal Family on call. The information is sent by what we like to call the Royal Wave. Users can watch highlights of the Royal Family's day on their handset – you can see the Prince eating breakfast, the Princess talking on the phone – you can even see the Queen using the toilet. We will also be offering customers the chance to chat or text the Royal Family, texts will cost £1.50 and chat will cost £4 a minute – these services will of course be mainly marketed towards children who don't understand the concept of money."

Channel 4 has also jumped on the proverbial Horse and Carriage and is soon to launch Royal Big Brother. Royal Family members from around the country are invited to apply by sending in a short five minute audition tape. Twelve members will be chosen and a Queen will be chosen via an arm wrestling competition. Channel 4 executive Jake Sideburns stresses that Royal Big Brother will be unlike any previously seen reality television shows;

"In order to create a sense of reality there will be no audience voting. Contestants can only be
removed by death, revolution or a change in the balance of international power such as the fall of the pope or the rise of a European Emperor."

Perhaps the biggest dissenters against the privatisation of the monarchy are the British National Party – not because of the inevitable dissolution of a British institution – they are instead worried about a European Invasion. As the law stands in Europe there is absolutely nothing to stop a foreign Royal Family from entering our country (perhaps illegally) and taking a slice of the power fruit-cake. Mike Hunt, leader of the BNP stated in a recent rally;

"Can you imagine being ruled by Germans or Greeks, or Gypsies or Arabs? It would be bedlam... no one would know where we stood and the fabric of society as we know it would stain like a white sheet in a hot wash with a red sock. There would be chaos. We should return to the days when we had one Royal Family, all of them English, all of them blue eyed and blonde and fond of marching. Good decent people, that's what we need, good decent people to rule us. Not muck."

A salient and concise point indeed; it is undeniable that the privatisation of the Royal Family has provoked many an opinion. Yet in many ways it seems to be the natural extension of Royalism in a modern, competitive, new, progressive, computer-literate society. Lets face it as our media needs grow it is almost unfair to expect one Royal Family to be able to meet all our demands. Two wouldn't even be enough. By privatising the whole system we have opened monarchy up to the joys of the competitive market and with all the wonderful initiatives he has heard this reporter is certain that this can only be a good move.