Ra Ra Raj Ma Haj

After accidentally leaving our dynamite set at Delhi station we have finally got on the road to Rajasthan.

Am fully recovered from my chest infection for those that were worried but am now the unfortunate bearer of quite a vicious hand wound sustained while punching the crap out of a window in our luxury hotel in Neemrana. I had spent the day on the back of a moped attempting to use an ATM - on the first trip I forgot my card, on the second trip I blocked my card (wrong pin) and by the time I got there the thrid time with Jayne's card they had run out of money. Hitting my head on a ridiculously low ceiling was the last straw and frankly the window deserved it.

Amusingly enough I was kindly patched up by the same young Indian man who had given me an Ayurvedic massage. I had sworn never to look him in the eye again after him and his friend stripped me naked, covered me in oil and spent a good hour or so "accidentally" touching my scared penis. I half expected to open my eyes and see a rabid Graham Norton and Julian Clary vying for phallic control. Anyway was forced to thank him.

Moments of amusement that have happened so far include:

Meeting our new friends Chaswinder and Niyal in TGI Friday Delhi(Indian for Charles (from the Chas) and Neil) who described a good cricket player as a Monster player. I asked them whether Jeremy Snape is a monster cricket player but they looked a little blank. Chaswinder started a theme by promising to do anything for us at the drop of a hat - something all Indian men seem to want to do, they probnably fancy Jayne.

The "entertainment" at our hotel comprising of a Finnish Youth choir whose final was "Ode to Joy" as done in the final scenes of Sister Act 2 "Back In The Habit".

Things that Jayne Finds Amusing But I found Poignant:

Two robed men sitting around a fire at the side of the road playing with their mobile phones (snake I think).

Me on a bicycle (piles are worryingly imminent)

Less amusing moments:

Our journey from Neemrana to Bharatpur via Alwar: eight hours of potholed roads, full bladders, a driver who doesnt understand the word stop, Jayne weeing all over the back seat and not telling me.

Being surrounded by nodding maniacs while I tried to pay a rickshaw driver. Conversation went something like this:

James: How much?

Ricky the fricking rickshaw driver: 20 rupees.

James: Ok here's 20 rupees. Thank you. (turn to leave)

Ricky: Twenty rupees please.

James: That is twenty rupees - look two tens. Thank you.

Ricky: Twenty rupees please (head begins to wobble in expression of mild irritation).

Crowd: Twenty rupees! You give (general head wobbling all round)

JAmes: (english now all over the place) I give!

Crowd and Ricky (simultaneously as if all of Mother India was against me): Twenty rupees please.

James: For fucks sake.


We are now in lovely Bharatpur. Visited their charming National Park and saw some owls and cranes etc etc. Tomorrow we see the Taj Mahal which I've heard is a little unimpressive...

In all honesty every person we have met has been extremely nice to and everyone goes well beyond the bounds of duty when you ask for help. Such kind people.

Lots of love James and Jayne

Ps Mel Gibson advertises whiskey here - work that one out teetotal Judaiphiles!

Pps You can get photocopying done on the roadside, in a little shack.

Ppps Jayne keeps on getting attacked by monkeys - although I haven't seen it yet so I think that she is lying.